why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
