my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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