You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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