there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
