Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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