maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
