Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
