Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
