Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize