Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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