god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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