Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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