I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
