i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You can't just leave with hair like that
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
