It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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