if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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