I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
