Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
