Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I could fuck to npr.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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