I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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