I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
