FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
