Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
