if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the day after is always just damage control
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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