I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
