do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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