I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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