Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
40s are totally the cure
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
