I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
