the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
