I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
