I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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