i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
