the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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