My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
love makes seman taste better
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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