Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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