Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize