Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
