She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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