Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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