I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
