Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
