If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize