What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
