I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
