saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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