dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I love you. Go after that dick
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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