I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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