There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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