Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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