you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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