Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
