Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
