he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
