if you like me you must not know who I am
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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