if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
