please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
