she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
