I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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