I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
did you just send me my own nude
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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