Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
