i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
