this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
