God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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