he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I am available for nakedness
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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